Slumpy Frumpy Feeling

  I am going to try to make an attempt to write this entry. All this week so far, I've been kind of down. I do not know exactly why. Tired maybe. Depressed maybe, who knows. I have no energy level, zilch, nada, none. I force myself to get up and do anything. I have gone over my daughter Emma's a couple times this week, and you all know how much I love my grandson, but going there has even been annoying me. Noise, everywhere, maybe I am just wanting some alone time, some quiet time away from everyone. Health wise I feel fine, it's just this BLAHHHHHHHH feeling that I can't shake. I had someone tell me that maybe if I got up and moved around more I would feel better. Ok, easier said then done. I have one good lung, the other one in bad condition from chemo. I have limited use of my right arm caused by nerves severed during my surgery to remove the 4 tumors and 4 lympnodes in my right side of my neck. In 1994 I was living in Wyoming and was involved in an accident. I was parked, and some idiot peeled wheels in reverse and slammed into the front of my car, totaling my car and throwing me into the steering wheel breaking my glasses, and with my feet automatically stepping on brakes even though my car was in park, I pushed my right leg up into my hip joint about half an inch and my left leg has been numb between my thigh and knee since then. I stand up for more then 10 minutes I feel as though I have been severed at the waist and want to fall over. Not to mention when I am in pain, I get stressed and my neck tightens making me feel as though I am choking and gasping for air. Just standing at my kitchen sink washing dishes is a major task for me. I sometimes stay home from functions because I feel as though I'd be a burden if I went. Like Jim taking Rebecca to the park. I have to sit down most of the time there if I go. What hurts the most are the whispers and the stares I get when I do go out. Both coming from adults and children. Whispers like, If she lost weight she wouldn't need a cane, or OMG look at that scar on her neck. Sometimes I just wanna yell, SHUT UP to these people whispering about me, but also sometimes I just wanna go off and have a good cry. Sometimes I ask myself, Why me? Why do I have to go through all this when all I have ever done was help people? I've never asked to be paid back from any of those I helped. Even though I go through all this on a daily basis I still force myself to do for others. I will still help when asked. I will always be there if I am needed. Oh well, life goes on right?

Jim has to check out the front drivers side brakes when he gets home from work. It is grinding and making a loud noise. He said it probably needs brake pads. I hope that is all it is. He's gonna pick them up on his lunch break today and replace the pads when he gets home. He's an excellent mechanic, and I don't want no other person working on our vehicles.

Jims friend Brian (co-worker) said his SIL is looking for a place to move. So when she moves out Brian said we could rent the house she is in. It is in Trevose, PA. A very good neighborhood, great schools. I am keeping my fingers crossed she finds a place soon. I really need to move. Keep your fingers crossed she moves.

Rebecca has a substitute teacher today. An older teacher. She is a sweet lady, but I think after today she won't be a substitute again for Rebecca's class, lol. There is about 8 kids in this class who are terrors. They won't listen, sit, be quiet, stop hitting others for no one. There was 3 kids dismissed from school for lack of immunizations. They still aren't back in school. The parents of the terrors have not come to school about their childs behavior. They have until tomorrow, and then those children will be suspended until the parent comes in. No phone calls will be accepted, the teacher wants to meet with them face to face. Otherwise she has no choice but to expell them from her class permanently. This morning I watched this one kid walk right up to another kid in another clasroom line and hit him in the face for no reason. Then he went over to a kid in his own class and pushed him down and kicked him. I yelled, knock it off and get in line. He looked up and said F---K you lady. OMG, I wanted to whoop his ass. I am going to talk to the teacher tomorrow when she comes back. She's been hinting how she has no aid to help her in the classroom. I am going to volunteer myself 3 days a week to help her in the classroom. Maybe it would help me get out of my frumpy feeling. And also give me a peace of mind those 3 days that my child is ok.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. I am going to go and try to do up the dishes before I have to leave to go pick up Rebecca from school. I hope everyone is enjoying their day. Tomorrow they are calling for heavy rain and thunder storms for Philadelphia. Yea, I love it. Keeps the bad eggs indoors in the neighborhood. Speaking of that. Last night, the spy chopper and numerous police cars were in alley behind my house last night. They caught a guy who had just shot someone. Sick people in this city. And tuesday morning a Septa bus, ran a lady over. She is ok, he ran over her legs. But I se a law suit coming against Septa for sure. In case you want to know what Septa is, they are big public transportation buses.

OK, gonna go.

Love to all........................CINDY