CANCER PART 5

When I finished my last chemo treatment, I was really weak, hairless, my energy drained. I wanted to lay down and just die. My body pain was unbearable, I was'nt sleeping but maybe 2 or 3 hours a night if I was lucky. I did'nt go anywhere except to the doctor's or to my daughter Emma's. I still felt like a total freak show. A huge ugly scar, no hair, always sick, weak, using a cane to walk cause my bones and body hurt so bad. I could'nt even pick up my child to hug her I was so weak and in so much pain. The day came soon after my last chemo treatment that I had to prepare for my radiation treatments. I was given tiny tattoo dots in 6 places, to line up the radiation that would be given. I was to have 20 treatments. A 15 minute treatment 5 days a week for 4 weeks. My skin burned from the radiation, but I did'nt feel the pain due to the nerves that were cut from surgery. But man was I red, like a bad sunburn. I did get a bad sore throat, and an infection in my throat, I think it's called thresh or thrush. I was given a prescription for the most awful tasting white chalky medication, yuck was it gross, and an antibiotic also. Within a few days it was gone. I did chemo and radiation from Feb 2005 to Nov 2005, chemo for 8 months and radiation for 1 month. When radiation was over finally, I had another PET scan. The results showed the cancer was gone. I was in remission. I was so happy, I cried and hugged my doctor. Going through all what I did, so many people praying for me, on so many prayer circles, and did alot of praying myself and the news is I'm Ok. Thanks to all the prayers and the decisions of treatments from my doctor, I was cured. I survived. I will see my daughter and grand children grow up hopefully if I stay in remission. My health is'nt 100% yet. I still can't lift my arm over my head, I still have no feeling on the right side of my head, face or neck or chest. My bones still ache terribly. I have problems sleeping. I still use a cane sometimes. I gained back some of my sense of taste, and still have the hearing loss and I'm not able to lift anything heavy yet. My right lung was blackened some from the radiation and at times I have problems catching my breath. When I'm stressed my neck stiffens up and starts a stinging sensation like a million bees stinging me there, talk about painful. But you know what, none of that matters, what matters is I am alive to feel it. Something I had done when I found out I had cancer, I am really mad and ashamed of myself for doing. I thought I was going to die and did'nt want people to be sad if I did. I thought if I made them hate me, they would'nt care if I died. One person in particular I did this too. And I've known her since I was 6 years old and I'm 45 now. I said some very mean and hateful things to her, which caused her alot of sadness. I broke her heart and I am so ashamed of myself for doing that. I did'nt want her to be sad, I wanted her to hate me. It broke my heart to do that, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I know I was wrong in making that decision and for that I am truely sorry. Her name is Carol Campbell. We grew up together,went to school together. If I was'nt at her house, she was at mine. Carol, I know your reading this journal, and I want to appologize in front of all who read this, that I am truely sorry for saying all those mean things causing us to lose our friendship. But I am thankful, she emailed me and I answered her, and now she's back in my life. One thing really bothered me when I found out I had cancer. I called my sister in Virginia, I started crying and told her I had cancer, her words exactly were: Oh wow, cancer? I gotta go Eric is hitting my tire with a stick! And she hung up. Here I am crying, thinking I'm going to die, telling my sister I have cancer and she's worried about a tire? I was really hurt by that. As I was going through all the chemo, radiation, surgeries not once did I get flowers, a card or any get well or thinking of you gifts. Jim gave me the little mouse and I have it still. It means alot to me. Emma she did something better, she took care of her little sister through all this and her Momma too. That daughter of mine is my saviour, my angel, and a true blessing in my life. As for the rest of the family, I felt they just did'nt care. No one called to see if I was alive or how I was doing. But I am thankful for the people who were around me, Jim, Rebecca, Joe, Dan, Emma, Marissa, Poppop Bill, Liz. They were the ones who cared, who kept me going, who gave me a reason to go on with the treatments. And I love them dearly. They gave me the stregth and courage to go on, they were my back bone. There was one other family member I have to give credit to also. She came over whenever she could to see me, and cheer me up, and that was my cousin Carmen. She and Elvin were over whenever they were asked to some kind of function or family dinner. Carmen gave me a beautiful plant, and I thought that was so special. She cared enough to stop and buy me a plant. Elvin knew what I was going through, cause he himself at one time had cancer. Thank god he is still with us also. Elvin is a part of our family, and I am so greatful he is in Carmens life. They are both wonderful, loving, caring people and so understanding to what I was going through. I love you Cuz, and El too!! Also I had that darn port removed as soon as the treatments were done and I found out I was in remission. That thing clogged a total of 8 times. I later found out it was recalled, hmmm I wonder why? No, I did'nt persue a law suit because of it, for one reason, because of that port, the chemo, the radiation and my doctor's my life was saved. I am here, I'm alive and that's all that matters. I also want to thank my soon to be sister in law Nancy, who is also a member of Jland for sticking by me, for praying for me and having her church pray for me. She is truely a loving lady. As I close this last chapter of my story, I say thank you to those who were by my side through it all, who gave me the strength to fight for my life, and thank you god in heaven for blessing me with a longer life and my friends and family, and I thank the Cancer Center and it's wonderful doctor's and nurses for all the did. I beat the battle with cancer, and I'm here and so very thankful I can write this entry and be in such a wonderful place as Jland, with all my new friends! God bless us all..............