Thursday, October 18, 2007

Slumpy Frumpy Feeling

  I am going to try to make an attempt to write this entry. All this week so far, I've been kind of down. I do not know exactly why. Tired maybe. Depressed maybe, who knows. I have no energy level, zilch, nada, none. I force myself to get up and do anything. I have gone over my daughter Emma's a couple times this week, and you all know how much I love my grandson, but going there has even been annoying me. Noise, everywhere, maybe I am just wanting some alone time, some quiet time away from everyone. Health wise I feel fine, it's just this BLAHHHHHHHH feeling that I can't shake. I had someone tell me that maybe if I got up and moved around more I would feel better. Ok, easier said then done. I have one good lung, the other one in bad condition from chemo. I have limited use of my right arm caused by nerves severed during my surgery to remove the 4 tumors and 4 lympnodes in my right side of my neck. In 1994 I was living in Wyoming and was involved in an accident. I was parked, and some idiot peeled wheels in reverse and slammed into the front of my car, totaling my car and throwing me into the steering wheel breaking my glasses, and with my feet automatically stepping on brakes even though my car was in park, I pushed my right leg up into my hip joint about half an inch and my left leg has been numb between my thigh and knee since then. I stand up for more then 10 minutes I feel as though I have been severed at the waist and want to fall over. Not to mention when I am in pain, I get stressed and my neck tightens making me feel as though I am choking and gasping for air. Just standing at my kitchen sink washing dishes is a major task for me. I sometimes stay home from functions because I feel as though I'd be a burden if I went. Like Jim taking Rebecca to the park. I have to sit down most of the time there if I go. What hurts the most are the whispers and the stares I get when I do go out. Both coming from adults and children. Whispers like, If she lost weight she wouldn't need a cane, or OMG look at that scar on her neck. Sometimes I just wanna yell, SHUT UP to these people whispering about me, but also sometimes I just wanna go off and have a good cry. Sometimes I ask myself, Why me? Why do I have to go through all this when all I have ever done was help people? I've never asked to be paid back from any of those I helped. Even though I go through all this on a daily basis I still force myself to do for others. I will still help when asked. I will always be there if I am needed. Oh well, life goes on right?

Jim has to check out the front drivers side brakes when he gets home from work. It is grinding and making a loud noise. He said it probably needs brake pads. I hope that is all it is. He's gonna pick them up on his lunch break today and replace the pads when he gets home. He's an excellent mechanic, and I don't want no other person working on our vehicles.

Jims friend Brian (co-worker) said his SIL is looking for a place to move. So when she moves out Brian said we could rent the house she is in. It is in Trevose, PA. A very good neighborhood, great schools. I am keeping my fingers crossed she finds a place soon. I really need to move. Keep your fingers crossed she moves.

Rebecca has a substitute teacher today. An older teacher. She is a sweet lady, but I think after today she won't be a substitute again for Rebecca's class, lol. There is about 8 kids in this class who are terrors. They won't listen, sit, be quiet, stop hitting others for no one. There was 3 kids dismissed from school for lack of immunizations. They still aren't back in school. The parents of the terrors have not come to school about their childs behavior. They have until tomorrow, and then those children will be suspended until the parent comes in. No phone calls will be accepted, the teacher wants to meet with them face to face. Otherwise she has no choice but to expell them from her class permanently. This morning I watched this one kid walk right up to another kid in another clasroom line and hit him in the face for no reason. Then he went over to a kid in his own class and pushed him down and kicked him. I yelled, knock it off and get in line. He looked up and said F---K you lady. OMG, I wanted to whoop his ass. I am going to talk to the teacher tomorrow when she comes back. She's been hinting how she has no aid to help her in the classroom. I am going to volunteer myself 3 days a week to help her in the classroom. Maybe it would help me get out of my frumpy feeling. And also give me a peace of mind those 3 days that my child is ok.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. I am going to go and try to do up the dishes before I have to leave to go pick up Rebecca from school. I hope everyone is enjoying their day. Tomorrow they are calling for heavy rain and thunder storms for Philadelphia. Yea, I love it. Keeps the bad eggs indoors in the neighborhood. Speaking of that. Last night, the spy chopper and numerous police cars were in alley behind my house last night. They caught a guy who had just shot someone. Sick people in this city. And tuesday morning a Septa bus, ran a lady over. She is ok, he ran over her legs. But I se a law suit coming against Septa for sure. In case you want to know what Septa is, they are big public transportation buses.

OK, gonna go.

Love to all........................CINDY


  1. Awwwwwwww Cindy I have been depressed this week too, I am keeping my fingers crossed for you you can move soon, some of those kids in Rebecca's class sound awful, Hugs to you hon, Love Ya Lisa XOXO

  2. Awwww Cindy I'm sorry you've been so down. I feel bad that you feel you can't enjoy Rebecca at the park. You'll miss out on a lot not going, and I'm sorry for that. You are such a good person, I wish I could take all of your sadness away.
    Try not to worry what other people think. You need to get out and see your grandbabies and your daughter play at the park no matter what. I really miss those days and wish they were back, so enjoy each one of them.

    I hope you do get the job at the school. That would be a great thing for you to do. Would they put you in Rebecca's class? At my son's school they wouldn't allow parents to be in their own kids class. But, that would be a good thing for you to do each week.
    Sending you a great big hug!
    Love you,
    Pam xoxoxox

  3. depressed here too but I don't have the limitations you have on movment.  I am just lazy.
    I hopeyou do get to move.  Moving will do a lot for mood, I htink.
    take care

  4. Hi There Cindy,   I hope that after getting all that written down you begin to feel a bit better. Sometimes it is just good to get everything out, thats where friends here are so great...they just listen...and that one of the very best thing one can do.  AS I write this I am just looking out the window and there is the most beautiful sed sunset streaking across the sky. It has been turning all colours from grey, through to this glorious colour over the last 15mins or so. We are so lucky to have eyes to be able to see it. It has been a beautiful day here sun and blue sky although a bit on the cold side and we have a white frost forecast for tonight..winter is comming!!   Look after yourself   Much Love and big HUGS, Sybil xxx

  5. I feel realy sorry for you.Feeling down is awful depression on the other hand is terrible.Don't let others get you down.Whilever the sun rises there will always be these type of peoplel about.Shake them off if you can.I know it's hard.Well as for th kid who told you to you know what.It's common now in schools  in England I believe because there parents have always used it in front  of them.They do know it's wrong but it just becomes normal speach to them Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.Parents do not stop them,so they feel knowone else should.It's a nightmare world we are living in.Someone has just shot a young boy here today in the school playground in Sheffield.The family are devastated.What is the world coming to I ask people .I woudn't bring any child into this world today.Grrrrrrrrr.I hope you manage to get a little job at school Cindy I think it might be the making of you as like me you love kids and being around them Good Luck.I also wish you luck with getting th eother home in PA.Sounds like the brake pads to me the grinding noise on the car..Hope Jim gets them fixed .Take Care God Bless Hope you soon feel better.prayers being said.Kath
    astoriasand htttp://

  6. It always ticks me off when Kids missbehave like that and the parents do nothing or else take up for them. I hate to see what kind of people these will be when they grow up. Hope you can get to help out in school. I am sure the teacher would love some help and it might help you to overcome some of you depression. Part of your problem is you are worried about Rebecca and this could help. Hoping the other lady gets a place to move where you all can move into a better area for school and safety. Helen

  7. I have had those stares from people constantly, those comments behind my back..that is why I stay home is safe here.
    I applaud your courage to keep going out...You have more inner strength then I do..
    hope your mood improves...sounds like you just need some quiet time for yourself to do for yourself--do something that is NOT knit, crochet, create something!
    take care

  8. IT is the WORST kind of parent that lets their children bully others and talk to grown ups just any old kind of way.  And when you tell them, they stand there and laugh in your face.  I miss the days when parents actually PARENTED.  I so wish you could get out of where you all are living.  I think it would perk up your spirits a bit.  You need a change of pace.  If you feel like it a teacher's assistant would be so good for you.  
    I think it's un-imaginable that people are so cruel about your cane but that is the result of parents who didn't teach their children right from wrong and now they are adults behaving badly and don't know any better.  I'm beginning to get stares and comments about my weight too.  It's hurtful.  
    Hugs always my friend,

  9. Awww... I'm sorry you been feeling down. I don't see how you stand the pain. You do so much. I think you need a break from everything too. Staying in the house all day long doing the same thing makes you depressed. My niece has a scar from cancer surgery on her throat (she calls it her necklace) and everyone always looks at it. She ignores it or will finally just tell them she's had cancer numerous times and that's what happens when they have to keep going in time after time. The scars get bigger. I'm sad about those kids because if they are acting that way that means they have no one to teach them right. Kids learn what they see and how they are treated. So I feel bad that someone thinks so little of them. I think helping in the school would do you some good. Of course, I believe that the paddle should be brought back to school. Sometimes the fear of it being used is larger than having to use it in the first place. I would have put soap in that kids mouth. Awful no wonder you don't want Rebecca there. I hope you all can move soon. That's scary that a killer was that close to your home. We're getting storms tonight they are in the next town right now.
    Take care, Chrissie

  10. Cindy, Its been a while since I have read peoples blogs as I have been away alot for work and still have to stay away alot in the future too. I am so sad that you feel like this my friend. You have been so jolly over the summer and have made me smile with stories of Rebbeca and Jim and his fishing etc.

    I never new what you had gone through untill reading this entry, allthough I did know you had cancer. You have done so well. It's easy for me to say try and keep your chin up but sometimes you just cant.

    Rest assured, your mates in J land are routing for you, especialy me.
    Hugs to you. Gaz xxxxxx

  11. Sorry to hear you're feeling down, hope these feelings pass soon & you're back to feeling like the busy bee cheerful Cindy!
    Will certainly put your name in my Prayer Box this eve, nothing helps more than you know. :)
    Big hugs,

  12. First off, get some QUALITY B6 Vitamins, Natures Made, not generic or cheapies form dollar store. Bump up your B's and possibly Zinc if you can get that to.
    I'm sorry you go through all that for your condition your in, I just with I could hug you so tight and tell you how much I love you sis. Your such a wonderful person and you know, our bodies are only a package and know that easier for me to say since i don't have a scar or use a cane. I think part of your emotions is from Rebecca's new school, I think that is really weighing on you. I just hate to see you this way, your most wonderful person I know.
    i love you tons
    Lil Sis

  13. hello
    im jennifer from northern va
    i was at work one day and it was .. desperate for mental stimulation i searched the web and found blogs.. yours was on top since it had the most comments .. well i am hooked when you don't write a day im like where is she??  crazy how something so simple has such an impact..thank you for sharing your life
    this above post is quite blue :(  from things youve written about lately it made me think about how stress.. good ..bad.. ones we can't help.. seems to have a way of zapping the life out of us .. especially if you are a sensitive person .. even  the moving part and then a sick child can do you in.. when i'm stressed i know going to a spa would help .. i can never afford it but i dream about it.. a $300 pop for a 3 hour rub down, lotioned up .. hair fluffed ..the whole nine yards seems to be something that can give you a little jump..
    i know when my son was sick and would have to take a day out of school..even if it was just something simple .. would really throw a zinger into my routine .. and all id want to do is lie around and drink coffee or something warm
    You seem to have alot of friends here.. i hope they can help raise your spirits.. and if it is stress.. these things seem to be on their way to passing
    oh and those whispering people.. i know you know this .. you just cant let people like that bother you.. opinions of people that you dont respect arent worth allowing to even penetrate.. easier said than done definitly .. especially when you are already feeling down it just compounds things.. but only let energy (and not trying to sound new agey) of people that you genuinly care about and respect penetrate you .. the rest is just wasted thoughts.. and the mean folk of this world arent going away so when we get to a point (im talking to myself) where we only allow ourself to focus on those that really matter.. its a much freer way to be
    anyways take care and ill be back peering at your life a

  14. i hate to hear you so down..Cin, lisetn to me...DO NOT EXPLAIN TO ANYONE IN JLAND OR ONLINE about WHY you do NOT do what THEY want you to do. It is YOUR life, YOUR one else's and to hell with those who judge.
    You have survived an illness that kills millions and that in itself is a gift and i am SO glad you are here!! I need you around.....take it easy and i will pray you get out of that neighborhood soon.

  15. praying for you:)


  16. I agree with Lias Jo...You are one tough lady and an angel in disguise!
    love ya,

  17. hang in there sis

  18. Keeping my fingers crossed about the possible move for you...

    be well,

  19. I hope your feeling better today. I can't believe the kids at that school. I'm glad your going to Volunteer there, I think they need help .

  20. Cindy it would be great for you if you can get that House move ~ fingers crossed for you ~ How unkind and thoughtless of people whispering about you ~ after all you have been through ~ (Maybe Cindy they are not talking about you at all as you are feeling so low it could be you just think they are talking about you :o) ~ I hope you do get to help out at Rebecca's school ~ sounds like they can do with all the help they can get ~ Ally x

  21. Oh Cindy I have just read your blogg, and I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I like many others in J/Land look forward every day to reading about you. you are so pure in heart and your kindness washes over me when I read about you. You have been through so very much and most of the time you are smiling and helping others and not even bothering to think about yourself. I am so sorry things arn't working out at Rebecca's school and will pray that you will be able to get out of the district very soon.  It must be a constant worry for you knowing your little girl is having to go to a place like that. I do hope that a bit of luck will come for you. you certainaly deserve it.  Thank you for sharing your joys and your sorrows.  We all love you just as you are. Kathie.

  22. People can be such asses, I'm sorry, I'm not one of them, but I hate starers.  Just go up to them and ask, "Is there something you wanted?  You look like you wanted to ask me a question".  Some people stare and even give me ugly looks when I go out with Noah, it makes me so mad!  

  23. I hope that blah feeling goes away soon. Sometimes we just get in and need some quite time. What an awful accident you had, don't worry about what people say. Your a wonderful beautiful person inside and out. Hugs and love.

  24. It is hard to know what to say to you.  It seems so hard what you are going through.  I can relate to some of it.  I also have gone through a lot.  And the depression was hard at times.  The stares were hard also.  Sometimes people can be very cruel.  When I wear my mask people stare at me, acting like they can catch a disease from me, but I am really wearing it to protect myself from catching germs from them.  Try to remember, if people are cruel, it is their issue, not yours.  I know it is easier said than done.  But try to ignore them.  


  25. ((Cindy)) People don't understand unless they have walked in your shoes.
    Sending you many prayers,

  26. {{{Cindy}}} I do hope you feel better. Thats a good idea to help 3 times a week.
    Many hugs to you.

  27. It broke my heart when I read how you felt when people whisper about you or your weight....don't dare let those people get to you! I have been reading your journal & from what I can tell you are a good person & a wonderful Mother. I for one know how hard it is to lose weight. I was skinny all my life & then I married my husband & I am not sure what happened after that LOL. I have been gaining weight ever since & gaining still. I've tried diets & none of them seem to work. I finally said to myself as long as my huband still loves me & fines me attractive then what do I care what other people think. You are a good person don't let those people with little minds make you feel bad about yourself. I for one think you are very brave. For all that you have been though & are going through you have courage that I strongely admire. Sorry my comment was so long but I was all fired up when I read that LOL. Makes me mad how cruel people can be sometimes. I have dealth with that all my life so I know how you feel.