It is 6:23am saturday and I am up. Actually I have been up since 5:am. Rebecca woke up fussing and complaining and anything and everything. Jim got up grouchy, stomping and yelling because of it. The only way to keep peace is for me to get up and let him go back to sleep. So he is sleeping, and now so is Rebecca and I am wide awake. Sometimes it makes me so mad. They both know I am not 100% well, and it seems like it is me who always gets the crappy end of the stick, you know? I give up everything for them, and I feel I never get anything in return. I'm always tired, in pain, laying down or sleeping longer really helps me, but do they let me? No, they don't. I don't think it's done on purpose, but jeez I am one person here, can I get some kind of acknowledgement for what I do and give up for these two people? I'd like to sleep until 7 or 8am. Can I? No. I'd like to be able to sit down for more than 5 minutes without one of them wanting something, or needing helping to find one thing or another. Jim use to help me with housework on weekends, like doing the dishes or vacuuming. But lately the last few months he hasn't even done that. He'll get up at 8 or 9am have coffee, expect me to fix breakfast. He'll eat, take a shower and go back to bed for a couple hours. Rebecca will be up running and jumping around, getting into things and if I yell or smack her, Jim gets up mad because I smacked her and she screamed and woke him up. It's like I can't win for losing here. Sometimes I just want to run away. And if I tell them both that, Jim will say, Don't take the van, and Rebecca will say, If you run away then it'll be just me and daddy here, and you can't yell at us. Do I feel loved? No. Do I feel needed? Yes, but as their maid. Do you ever feel like that if you disappeared no one would even notice until they needed something? I keep everything bottled up inside me. I tried talking to Jim a couple times, but he was like, What do you want me to do about it? So, I have given up. We don't even talk anymore. We talk, but not about anything with meaning. He talks about people at work, or that he can't wait to go up to the cabin again. Well, what about me? When do I get to go anywhere? When do I get to have some time away from home and the child. I love my child dearly, but sometimes I need a break too. He gets upset if I go to the store alone and leave her home with him for an hour or two. He'll call me on cellphone, Where you at? Rebecca made a mess. It's like well clean it up. Your her father, watch her. Then I hear, I work all wekk. I want to rest on weekends. Ummmm hello, and I don't work all week? I watch Rebecca 24/7. I clean everyday, and it never looks like it, I cook, I bathe and dress her, I get her meals, snacks, drinks, take her for walks, pick up toys constantly, clean up his messes that he leaves. How hard is it to throw a napkin in the trash can and put the butter back after you make toast? He does this all the time, leaving butter out, and napkin and crumbs all over counter. And on weekends if I don't make the coffee, he'll go to wawa and buy a large cup of coffee, for himself and a donut for Rebecca. Nothing for me though. But if the coffee is done he'll go right in the kitchen and refill his cup from wawa. One time I told them both, I am not your slave. You know what these 2 ungrateful beings said? They said, It's your job, your the mom. No sympathy at all from either of them. I do and I do for them, and all they want is for me to do more. I'm tired all the time, I have no time to do anything I want to do. And when I do it's before they get up or after they go to bed at night. Today, with 5 hours sleep, I will clean while they sit on their butts watching tv and wonder what I will be fixing for dinner. I'll get no help at all. None.
And another thing bothering me. I get an email from Jims Mom. They are not coming to babyshower. They gave me an excuse that grandmom can't handle the ride. It is a 60 minute drive, I know she can handle it. And I know she would enjoy getting out of the house. It just pisses me off. They can drive all the way to Virginia to visit Jims sister but whenever I invite them for anything they have an excuse. When Emma's son Michael, my first grandson was born and died, Jims family didn't even come to the funeral, or send flowers or a card. Their great grandson died, and it was like they didn't even care. They never even called Emma to say how sorry they were or anything. We're never invited to BBQ's at any of Jims family's homes, we're never invited to holiday dinners or birthday parties or even to a sunday dinner. They have seen Rebecca 3 times since she was born. Once when she was 2 mos old, then again when she turned 2yrs old, then earlier this year when Jim and I took the kids to their house to visit. They've seen Marissa twice, and Daniel once. Jims parents didn't even come to our wedding. For christmas we get a 100.00 check in a card. And I recently found out everyone else gets to have christmas dinner together, they get a check and presents. I don't care about the money or gifts, what bothers me is that we never see them and they never see their grandchildren unless we take them to see them. It is always on us to make that move. So, I'm done. I'm not making that move anymore. If these kids aren't important enough to get up off your butt and come to a birthday party or babyshower for them, then to hell with them all. My Rebecca tells people she has a grandma and grandpa, but doesn't see them. Is that sad or what? I say, it's their loss.
Well, I should go now. I need coffee. It's 7:30am now, Jim and Rebecca are still sleeping, must be nice to be able to sleep in.
Have a great weekend.
Love to you all......................