Wednesday, September 6, 2006


When I finished my last chemo treatment, I was really weak, hairless, my energy drained. I wanted to lay down and just die. My body pain was unbearable, I was'nt sleeping but maybe 2 or 3 hours a night if I was lucky. I did'nt go anywhere except to the doctor's or to my daughter Emma's. I still felt like a total freak show. A huge ugly scar, no hair, always sick, weak, using a cane to walk cause my bones and body hurt so bad. I could'nt even pick up my child to hug her I was so weak and in so much pain. The day came soon after my last chemo treatment that I had to prepare for my radiation treatments. I was given tiny tattoo dots in 6 places, to line up the radiation that would be given. I was to have 20 treatments. A 15 minute treatment 5 days a week for 4 weeks. My skin burned from the radiation, but I did'nt feel the pain due to the nerves that were cut from surgery. But man was I red, like a bad sunburn. I did get a bad sore throat, and an infection in my throat, I think it's called thresh or thrush. I was given a prescription for the most awful tasting white chalky medication, yuck was it gross, and an antibiotic also. Within a few days it was gone. I did chemo and radiation from Feb 2005 to Nov 2005, chemo for 8 months and radiation for 1 month. When radiation was over finally, I had another PET scan. The results showed the cancer was gone. I was in remission. I was so happy, I cried and hugged my doctor. Going through all what I did, so many people praying for me, on so many prayer circles, and did alot of praying myself and the news is I'm Ok. Thanks to all the prayers and the decisions of treatments from my doctor, I was cured. I survived. I will see my daughter and grand children grow up hopefully if I stay in remission. My health is'nt 100% yet. I still can't lift my arm over my head, I still have no feeling on the right side of my head, face or neck or chest. My bones still ache terribly. I have problems sleeping. I still use a cane sometimes. I gained back some of my sense of taste, and still have the hearing loss and I'm not able to lift anything heavy yet. My right lung was blackened some from the radiation and at times I have problems catching my breath. When I'm stressed my neck stiffens up and starts a stinging sensation like a million bees stinging me there, talk about painful. But you know what, none of that matters, what matters is I am alive to feel it. Something I had done when I found out I had cancer, I am really mad and ashamed of myself for doing. I thought I was going to die and did'nt want people to be sad if I did. I thought if I made them hate me, they would'nt care if I died. One person in particular I did this too. And I've known her since I was 6 years old and I'm 45 now. I said some very mean and hateful things to her, which caused her alot of sadness. I broke her heart and I am so ashamed of myself for doing that. I did'nt want her to be sad, I wanted her to hate me. It broke my heart to do that, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I know I was wrong in making that decision and for that I am truely sorry. Her name is Carol Campbell. We grew up together,went to school together. If I was'nt at her house, she was at mine. Carol, I know your reading this journal, and I want to appologize in front of all who read this, that I am truely sorry for saying all those mean things causing us to lose our friendship. But I am thankful, she emailed me and I answered her, and now she's back in my life. One thing really bothered me when I found out I had cancer. I called my sister in Virginia, I started crying and told her I had cancer, her words exactly were: Oh wow, cancer? I gotta go Eric is hitting my tire with a stick! And she hung up. Here I am crying, thinking I'm going to die, telling my sister I have cancer and she's worried about a tire? I was really hurt by that. As I was going through all the chemo, radiation, surgeries not once did I get flowers, a card or any get well or thinking of you gifts. Jim gave me the little mouse and I have it still. It means alot to me. Emma she did something better, she took care of her little sister through all this and her Momma too. That daughter of mine is my saviour, my angel, and a true blessing in my life. As for the rest of the family, I felt they just did'nt care. No one called to see if I was alive or how I was doing. But I am thankful for the people who were around me, Jim, Rebecca, Joe, Dan, Emma, Marissa, Poppop Bill, Liz. They were the ones who cared, who kept me going, who gave me a reason to go on with the treatments. And I love them dearly. They gave me the stregth and courage to go on, they were my back bone. There was one other family member I have to give credit to also. She came over whenever she could to see me, and cheer me up, and that was my cousin Carmen. She and Elvin were over whenever they were asked to some kind of function or family dinner. Carmen gave me a beautiful plant, and I thought that was so special. She cared enough to stop and buy me a plant. Elvin knew what I was going through, cause he himself at one time had cancer. Thank god he is still with us also. Elvin is a part of our family, and I am so greatful he is in Carmens life. They are both wonderful, loving, caring people and so understanding to what I was going through. I love you Cuz, and El too!! Also I had that darn port removed as soon as the treatments were done and I found out I was in remission. That thing clogged a total of 8 times. I later found out it was recalled, hmmm I wonder why? No, I did'nt persue a law suit because of it, for one reason, because of that port, the chemo, the radiation and my doctor's my life was saved. I am here, I'm alive and that's all that matters. I also want to thank my soon to be sister in law Nancy, who is also a member of Jland for sticking by me, for praying for me and having her church pray for me. She is truely a loving lady. As I close this last chapter of my story, I say thank you to those who were by my side through it all, who gave me the strength to fight for my life, and thank you god in heaven for blessing me with a longer life and my friends and family, and I thank the Cancer Center and it's wonderful doctor's and nurses for all the did. I beat the battle with cancer, and I'm here and so very thankful I can write this entry and be in such a wonderful place as Jland, with all my new friends! God bless us all..............


  1. Wow!  You are a remarkable lady!  A true inspiration!

  2. We are thankful to have you here too!!! You are an inspiration. :)
    God bless,

  3. Hi Cindy
    What can I say except WOW !! You have such strength, you're amazing.You are a wonderful friend and Mother. I can only sit back in awe of you and look forward to reading your next journal entry.
    You have a new friend in me.
    Love n hugs   x x x x

  4. {{{{{{{{{{{{{Cindy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


  5. Thank you for telling your story cyndy.  As you know I lost my little sister to lung cancer.  It will be four years this October 22.  I know she went through alot of the same things as you.  She was a blessing in my life and I feel God saved you to become a blessing also.  I am so thrilled that the cancer is gone and you are here to be with your family and friends! Love ya, Barbara

  6. Wow Cindy, what an amazing journey - what an amazing lady. You have so much strength and love - I'm glad you are a survivor! Be safe, Millie :-)

  7. Cindy your story is so inspiring, as I said before you are such a brave and courageous lady. My hubby is in remission from Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and has been for 13 years and so he's considered "cured"  your story brought back a lot of memories of that time..sometimes I don't know how we did it but you just do what you have to...thanks you again for sharing...

  8. Thank you for sharing your story.  I'm so glad your doing well now.

  9. I am still teary eyed! You know, when I was preg. with #3, I was having a lot of problems (not preg. related) with my kidney, had 3 surgeries.  What I found was initially many were helpful, but there is a time they drop like flies around you and it's then you find those that truly love, and care about you are still near you, contact you, call you, send cards, HELP.    If we had a girl one of the names was Emma, just a very beautiful name and seems so fitting for your daughter.  I'm glad you and Carol have worked things out.  You talking about that sound like so many other survivors have done, to try and save others from hurt when they write there own death sentance.  Nobody knows what they would do, it's not possible until you have been in your shoes.  I'm sorry so much of it lingers.  I hope you have tried some stimulation to your face.  Softly rubbing it, TAPPING with your fingers, all of it DOES help with your nerves. I had Bells Palsy and suffered nerve damage, so I know that stimuli is just so important.  I'm so happy you made it through this because if not I wouldn't have you as a friend :)

  10. I am so glad to finish reading this.  I personally know that family can do you worse sometimes than friends.  You have came through so much and I know you are aware you are a better person now than even before.  A sweety you are to make ammends and so glad you and Carol are friends again.

  11. I'm so glad that you, too, are a cancer survivor.  You are remarkable, and it's amazing the strength that our minds and bodies can come up with, when it's really needed!
    You would make a great Chemo Angel, Cindy.  If you read Pam's journal then I know you know what it is.  I'm planning on participating, because having gone through it myself.. I want to be there to encourage someone else through cards, gifts and letters.


  12. My god, You're a strong person!!!

    Reading this really puts stuff into wrote all of this well and I'm glad that I finally read it!


    Lv Stevie

  13. ( sniff sniff sniff) ty for the beautiful comments sissy.....Iwill always always ALWAYSbe here for you whenever you need me. I LOVE YOU GIRL;....Nancy

  14. we are so happy that your alive too and with us. Wow, what a story. Your daughter Emma sounds like a wonderful daughter. I know I have read about her in your journal but reading this just shows me how really wonderful she is. Sorry about your sister. I understand why you did that to your friend and I'm happy she is in your life again. Hugs to you. You are a strong person.

  15. I can't imagine going through this that you went through.  I've seen people going through it...taken care of them as a nurse...but I still don't have any idea what it really is like.  You fought the battle of your life, and WON!  I'm so glad you did win it and are here to tell us your story!
    Love you.....Pam

  16. I'm so glad you're here too or else I would have never got to meet such a wonderful person like you in Jland. I would miss you if you weren't journaling. God has blessed you by healing you after all you went through.
    Take care, Chrissie

  17. My heart goes out to you. You are truley blessed. Im sorry not all your family were there for you. I can give you the point of view from my side. My dad died of cancer 2 years ago. I went into denial. I couldnt handle it. I didnt believe it. I never thought he would die. Some people can not handle it, dont know what to say, or do.And feel terribly uncomfortable, knowing they cant fix you. But you are right. It is selfish not to show you care. I have to live with the guilt of missing my dads last birthday. In not helping in his care. I should have been there. Now, I wouldnt let my needs come first before an ill friend or family member. Not ever.
    Thank you for sharing your story. it gave me insight on a piece of what my dad went through. Your story is a gift to me. Thank you